The Little Brown Ikea Pencil of Doom: Part 5

Lars Swedishname paced his hotel room nervously. For the thousandth time he cursed the twists of fate that had brought him to this nondescript town in a foreign country, searching out the ultimate in home furnishing evil. Then he cursed again. �A thousand and one� he thought as he sat down on the bed. He looked at the desk in the corner. On it was a silver bullet, a flask of holy water, a wooden stake, a crucifix and an electric pencil sharpener. There was a knock at the door. He stood up and walked over to see who it was.
�Who are you?� he asked, peering through the peep hole into the corridor outside his room. A unformed policeman stood with his head down. He appeared to be writing something in his notebook. Lars shuddered.
�Police Constable Wilkins, MadeupTown police� said the officer. �I�ve got some more questions about this theory of yours�.
Lars�s hands trembled as he removed the chain and slowly turned the handle. Then the door flew open and the policeman burst into the room.
�Lars Swedishname� said the Constable Wilkins, reading from his notebook. �I must kill you and then go and buy a Babord shoe rack�
Lars backed away from him, towards the desk. �Why the Babord� he asked nervously �The Skoomp is much larger and better finished. And it only costs an extra five pounds�.
The policeman looked down at his notes.
�No� he said, �It must be the Babord, it is pine finish and will better match the Bango telephone table. And now you must die�
Lars looked up at the policeman, staring at the little brown pencil behind the constable�s left ear. He would only have one chance to make his move and it must be�. now! He lunged forward towards the policeman, grabbing with outstretched hand for the pencil. His fingers plucked it from behind the constable�s ear, and with a deft movement he swung round and plunged the pencil into the electric pencil sharpener. The sharpener sprang to life, and then, as abruptly, stopped. �Curse these foreign mains adapters�, thought Lars, as the policeman moved closer towards him....
(to be continued)

Admit One

We had another admissions afternoon today. Lots of people. I like a big audience. Although of course this can mean more to fight off if things don't go well. Anyway, they seemed to enjoy the afternoon and were even polite enough to laugh at my jokes. A couple of people had been to one of my talks before. I hope you weren't too upset that I used some of the same material as last time. It is just that stuff of this quality is rather hard to come by. Oh yes.

Serious Advice from the Crazy World

I've been using this chip and pin thing for a while now to buy stuff. It seems to work fine. But I don't like tapping out my ultra secret number on the keypad for all to see. I know that they have a little plastic guard thingy, but I know about long lenses and tiny cameras.

So here is my tip to keep you PIN secret. Rather than tap the number out with one finger; lay your fingers over the numbers as you would piano keys. Then press each one with a different finger. I reckon it is virtually impossible for someone who is watching to see the much smaller movements that you make now. You might get an odd look from the cashier (mind you, I'm used to odd looks) but there is a much smaller chance of your number being stolen.

Run Out Of Words

I've spent just about all day writing notes for the First Year C# course. And now, I'm all out of words. The only ones I've got left are contraband and piffle and and.

White Chocolate is not Chocolate

I've given up chocolate for lent again. I did this a couple of years ago and I'd just about forgotten the torment I went through. So I've done it again.

Fortunately white chocolate (which I am extremely partial to) is not actually chocolate. The chain of reasoning that leads me to this happy conclusion works like this:

White Elephant stalls do not sell elephants. Therefore White Chocolate cannot actually be chocolate.

People have argued with this. They have made the point, forcefully and with passion, that one of the ingredients of white chocolate is "cocoa butter", an ingredient which is also present in real (i.e. non-white) chocolate. I am unmoved by this. Does it mean that butter contains chocolate as well? Of course not. So, let's hear it for the Milky Bar Kid folks.....