Trip Hazard in "They Die by Moonlight" : Episode 1

If you are new to Trip Hazard (and who isn't) take a look here. Episodes will appear when I can be bothered to write them, or when I think of something funny.

Trip Hazard in "They Die By MoonLight : Part 1 - The Beginning"

As I heard the shot ring out and felt the bullet thud into the wall by my face I breathed a sigh of relief. I remembered the words of good old Sergeant Murphy �You never hear the one that hits you� I recalled him saying on that first day of training. What a guy. With his ready smile and endless supply of ammunition he was just the man to tell us the truth about life on the dangerous streets. �The streets are dangerous� he once told us. How true that was.

If he hadn�t been killed on the junction of 53rd and 7th by that falling piano he would be dispensing his mix of street smarts and heavy artillery even now. But that was all in the past. Before I discovered the meaning of true love and then lost everything, my badge, my career, my hopes, my dreams, and also a rather nice cashmere sweater that I got for my birthday.

I shook those unhappy memories from my head and concentrated on the job in hand. From the sound of the shot and the angle the brick particles made as they spattered into my face from the impact I made a rough guess that the sniper was 125.7 meters away at an angle of 46 degrees north and an elevation of 27 degrees. I turned in that direction, bringing my gun out and up in a single smooth, well practiced, motion. Nothing.

I silently cursed myself for failing to allow for the local wind speed and turned further to the left. Just above the empty bookstore, across from the abandoned warehouse above the vacant lot I caught a movement in a broken window. The streetlights glinted off the barrel of the gun as it swung round to aim. Now was the time to move�

I started running towards the entrance in the building in front of me spraying fire up towards the window as bullets kicked up clouds of dust all around me. �There must be half a dozen men up there with a gun each� I thought to myself as I hurtled across the concrete. �Or three men with two guns�. I was just pondering the possibility of a single man with six guns strapped to him as I made it to the opening.

As I paused to catch my breath I used the time to wonder who might be so keen to see me dead. After all, it was two hours to the ransom drop, the drug bust wasn�t until Tuesday, and I didn�t have any library books overdue at the moment. Whoever it was, they were going to pay for this, in blood if necessary. Although I also take most major credit cards.

This building had definitely seen better times. Water ran down the walls and the stench of rotting garbage was overpowering. A rusty stairway led up to a dingy landing and above me I could hear feet moving as the gunmen changed position to prepare for my ascent. From the sounds I counted seven men, one with a club foot and another with a nasty ingrowing tonail. �He really ought to get that treated� I thought to myself as I shoved another clip of bullets into my Schnieder and Beefcake 45 and prepared once again to fight for my life.

Then I heard a familiar voice, which sent shivers down my spine.

�Good afternoon Trip� said Archibald Nemisis.

�You sound pretty lively, for a dead man� I replied, trying to sound as casual as possible.

�Ah yes, my so called death� he responded smoothly. �It turns out that being shot through the head, electrocuted and dropped into a pool of sharks isn�t always fatal�

Of course not, how could I have been so stupid. The bullet could have snagged on the side of specially designed titanium spectacle frames, hidden carbon fibres in his suit could have redirected the electric current and the sharks could have been specially bred vegetarians.

�You see� he continued �my spectacles were actually��

�Yeah, yeah, I figured� I interrupted, trying to get the right amount of boredom into my voice. �What do you want?�

�I want you Trip� came the reply. �More specifically, I just want you to do a few little jobs for me. Then kill a bunch of people�.

I heard a clang as something dropped down at my feet. A gas canister with a note wrapped around it. Through the gathering smoke I managed to read �Kill Mayor, then pick up laundry�

�What makes you think I�ll do your dirty work?� I spluttered, feeling in my pockets for a handkerchief to put over my mouth.

�Oh, you�ll do it all right. Otherwise I�ll have to kill someone myself�.

Then I heard a sound that chilled me to the very core.

�Trip� she called. It was Beverley.

�Trip, I�m so sorry, he took me by surprise. He�s promised not to hurt me, as long as you do what he asks�

Beverley. The love of my life. Someone I would gladly die or kill for. As the choking fumes swirled around me I vowed that I would rescue her if it was the last thing I did. Preferably it wouldn�t be, but at least I would die happy. Then Archibald spoke again.

�And just to show how serious I am, here�s a little token of my esteem�

Something small and damp fell at my feet, I looked at it, blinking tears away from my burning eyes. It looked like it had once been a cashmere sweater. And it seemed horrifyingly familiar. My head began to swim as the gas started to really get to me.

�I�ve taken good care of it� he rasped �In fact I�ve just boil washed it�

�Nooooooooooooooo� I howled. And with that, the darkness closed around me and I slumped to the floor.

Searching for Mastermind

On Saturday I went up town looking for a proper copy of the Mastermind game (the entire first year will understand why). They had a copy of a new, posh, one in ToysRUs for thirteen quid. Sorry folks, I can't run to that kind of money just for a software project.....

Shop looked good though....

Handy Tip for Phone Users

If you have been trying to get hold of someone for, like ages, and they've not answered and you've got their answering machine which costs you a fortune and just tells you that they are not there when you know that they are not there anyway, here is a very handy tip for phone management.

Just before you dial the number, fill your mouth with chewing gum, gobstoppers or sticky toffee (my personal favourite is a couple of Pear Drops). Then, when you are somewhat unable to speak, you are guaranteed to get an answer. Try it. Works every time, or as I should say "Worbs ebwuaryy tyyme".

Where in the World?

I've found this web thingy which is quite interesting. Whenever you read my site a little server thing updates and now I can plot my readers around the globe.

I'm planning to use this technology to turn up on your doorstep and say "You read my blog - therefore you owe me lunch......"

I'm not quite sure how it works, and it seems a bit random to me (it put Sheffield in the middle of America) but it is quite fun. Take a look here to find out if you've been tracked.

Science Club Exploding Programs

The audience, as they were arriving...

Today I did a Science Club talk about exploding programs. The crux of the talk is that programmers (at least the better ones) should spend a lot of time worrying about what can go wrong with their programs, rather than just making them work. We took a simple application (pay the money out from a cash dispenser) and then had some fun finding out how it can go wrong, and what the programmer must do if it breaks. If you are a programming sort you can find the code here. I particularly like the sound that you get with a warning.

The sound it made when things went wrong was considerably enlivened by a fault in the playback method. It was supposed to just play an explosion sound effect, but for some reason it went a bit beyond that, making some amazing buzzing and crackling sounds. Fortunately the program kept going (it would have been rather embarrasing if the thing had crashed during a talk on software errors) and a good time was had by all.

If you give a talk at the Science Club the organisers give you a free box of Maltesers. Thanks folks, like getting sweets for having fun.