Mobile Services that Never Caught On

Find my Dearest: finds the most expensive garage/resteraunt which is close to me.

Find my Furthest: finds the garage/resteraunt as close to opposite me on the planet as possible.

Find my Lovenest: finds the nearest hotel which rents rooms by the hour.

Find my StayPrest: locates the nearest supplier of crimplene slacks.

Suit You Sir

Got my new suit today. It now no longer fits like a glove. It fits like a suit.

They've actually done a really good job in the end, even though it needed some adjustments. I'm just not used to wearing things that fit this well. Now all I need is a suitable occasion to wear it.

Just a Stalker

Nobody wants to hire Trip Hazard. He is presently crusing the mean streets with no mission. He is finding this a bit upsetting. After all, a Private Investigator without a case is just a stalker.

I Look Silly with a Small Umbrella

When I got back to work this lunchtime it was raining. "No problem" I thought, I'll use number one wife's umbrella which is in my car. But when I got out, I realised that I look very silly with a small umbrellas. On me it looked like a parasol. Very silly. So I used the little umbrella to get round to the back of the car and got out my industrial grade golfing one from the back.

So, if you were watching me change from one to the other in the car park, don't worry. I'm not mad. I just look silly with a small umbrella.

Oh, and based on the above you should be able to work out the answer to the question:

"What will go up a chimney down, but won't go down a chimney up?"

Who Needs Omens Like These?

Prior to a meeting with a customer this morning (yes, I do meet customers every now and then) we went down to the coffee machine to get a drink each. The machine delivered the beverages for Chris and Peter with no fuss, then for my choco-express (I have a deliberate policy of ordering the drink which does not try to taste like anything else) it made an unhappy buzzing sound and then poured my 40 pence worth of frothy brown liquid straight through into the waste thing. "That's my life in a capsule" I remarked as we wandered back to the meeting.

Fortunately it was not an omen, the meeting went well and I'm now back in harness as a programmer of sorts.